&drag my lovers self back to me
i'll meet him there
water & air.
im gonna jinx everything..in one post.
i guess the days have been moving in slow motion, must be the weather & the fact that i do not stay inside when the sun is outside.
i can feel it, im gonna be dark as hell this summer. like it matters, it feels better than any drug i've done. to feel the day. to actually be free.
&of course, running from gusts of pollen SCREAMING, proves that being outside is not nearly as poetic as the thought seems to be.
i recently was Mitchel's plus one, at the premier of a magazine called 'the furious season'. i had a lot of fun, i'm shifting through things to submit. trying to convince myself to advance in some way positive, i've been lazing around on these sunny afternoons.
&i've been eatting tons of ramen lately, i truly dont see an end in sight. mmmmmm.
-cock rotter <3
the common market babyyyy
its been a week since my last entry.
seems like an eternity, so many things happen so quickly these days. i'm not sure where to begin with the amount of changes i've over gone, the world has over gone. i can't even think up those words.
so i won't.
i've had some bad times, &obviously they were not that bad since i did not come crying to type away my misery. i've been seemlingly happy...loving the people i've been meeting, glad they keep comin.
i've also been downloading so much music that my computer sounds like its eatting cookies, my computer is frying out. but i'm a hard-headed little bitch, so be it.
seems like an eternity, so many things happen so quickly these days. i'm not sure where to begin with the amount of changes i've over gone, the world has over gone. i can't even think up those words.
so i won't.
i've had some bad times, &obviously they were not that bad since i did not come crying to type away my misery. i've been seemlingly happy...loving the people i've been meeting, glad they keep comin.
i've also been downloading so much music that my computer sounds like its eatting cookies, my computer is frying out. but i'm a hard-headed little bitch, so be it.
oh yeah
Dearest Ghost Reader,
i quit my job. i rejoiced when i snarked up enough guts to put in my 2 weeks, i even laughed & threw a mini party with a couple of crack rocks & chardonnay. i loved it. then when my name wasn't on the schedule, i didn't panic. i didn't say 'I NEED MONEY MOTHER CUNTHEADS..TAKE ME BACK'..i smiled & i said my goodbyes serene-like. i was calm. i walked out of the resaurant, my dignity held up high..had no idea that this dignity would be the rope that i would later tie into a noose to hang myself with, now that i am currently dumpster diving for change. i have a applied to about 10 different places. i have cleaned out my piggie bank to buy some reds. i have bummed around, asked my parents for gas money, and i'm thinking about selling things..like...my body.
dear dear ghost reader, money is essential. don't forget that, not even for pride! don't sit the gazing off into the sun..eyes wide with a silent rage as you walk slowly towards a strip club called 'Baby Dolls' [M.hell] for employment. please...please...lick your money for me & tell it i love & miss it.
Regretfully,
Loonuhtick.
i quit my job. i rejoiced when i snarked up enough guts to put in my 2 weeks, i even laughed & threw a mini party with a couple of crack rocks & chardonnay. i loved it. then when my name wasn't on the schedule, i didn't panic. i didn't say 'I NEED MONEY MOTHER CUNTHEADS..TAKE ME BACK'..i smiled & i said my goodbyes serene-like. i was calm. i walked out of the resaurant, my dignity held up high..had no idea that this dignity would be the rope that i would later tie into a noose to hang myself with, now that i am currently dumpster diving for change. i have a applied to about 10 different places. i have cleaned out my piggie bank to buy some reds. i have bummed around, asked my parents for gas money, and i'm thinking about selling things..like...my body.
dear dear ghost reader, money is essential. don't forget that, not even for pride! don't sit the gazing off into the sun..eyes wide with a silent rage as you walk slowly towards a strip club called 'Baby Dolls' [M.hell] for employment. please...please...lick your money for me & tell it i love & miss it.
Regretfully,
Loonuhtick.
forgo the bureaucratic rules & regulations
sorry that i haven't written anything lately.
seriously, ghost reader who never assures their existence with a comment or follow, i truly apologize.
my life has been on a roll lately, both good & bad. i've been in a strange way.
egh, i thought about sprucing this post up with a really stellar picture, but i'm going to stroke this entry down to its bare minerals & leaving it up to you, the reader, to continue reading although there are no visual illustrations or flashy sparkly colours. k.
i've been noticing some shit about all of these little nest-like subcultures, that have a not-so-secret password to get into. such as, style of dress, music, hair styles, even makeup. then i started reviewing the people i talk to on facebook, because if you haven't already guessed by the low follower count on my blog, i really don't have very many friends.
i talk to a variety of different people on facebook, i am part of no set subculture. even my bestest of best friends are all completely different in music, hair styles, & they way in which they have decided to dress. their manorisms may be similar but still they are active members of the subcultures, that have been socialized into.
any how, if i actually have a point to the pointlessness of posting this into the void that may only consist of two people, on Saturday i watched a movie called Penelope [loveee you Mitchell] & she had a cute little pig nose that everyone was so disgusted by. it was a curse from generations before her.
in order to find a suitor she talked to them behind a mirror of which she could see out from but they could not see her, they normally loved her personality. then when she came out from behind the glass, they ran out of a window. leaving her to feel countless emotions that i cannot even pretend i can relate to.
but the two that came to mind was dehumanization & alienation. sounds extreme, but hello you have no idea.
i wish people could fall in love with personality first, but thats impossible. if behind the mirror came every physical aspect that i personally thought was the worst thing in the whole wide world. i think i would open my book of excuses & start listing on after the other.
but excuses are like assholes, i'm told, everyyyyyyyoneeess got one. i guess, we should decorate them & get unique with it? :]
seriously, ghost reader who never assures their existence with a comment or follow, i truly apologize.
my life has been on a roll lately, both good & bad. i've been in a strange way.
egh, i thought about sprucing this post up with a really stellar picture, but i'm going to stroke this entry down to its bare minerals & leaving it up to you, the reader, to continue reading although there are no visual illustrations or flashy sparkly colours. k.
i've been noticing some shit about all of these little nest-like subcultures, that have a not-so-secret password to get into. such as, style of dress, music, hair styles, even makeup. then i started reviewing the people i talk to on facebook, because if you haven't already guessed by the low follower count on my blog, i really don't have very many friends.
i talk to a variety of different people on facebook, i am part of no set subculture. even my bestest of best friends are all completely different in music, hair styles, & they way in which they have decided to dress. their manorisms may be similar but still they are active members of the subcultures, that have been socialized into.
any how, if i actually have a point to the pointlessness of posting this into the void that may only consist of two people, on Saturday i watched a movie called Penelope [loveee you Mitchell] & she had a cute little pig nose that everyone was so disgusted by. it was a curse from generations before her.
in order to find a suitor she talked to them behind a mirror of which she could see out from but they could not see her, they normally loved her personality. then when she came out from behind the glass, they ran out of a window. leaving her to feel countless emotions that i cannot even pretend i can relate to.
but the two that came to mind was dehumanization & alienation. sounds extreme, but hello you have no idea.
i wish people could fall in love with personality first, but thats impossible. if behind the mirror came every physical aspect that i personally thought was the worst thing in the whole wide world. i think i would open my book of excuses & start listing on after the other.
but excuses are like assholes, i'm told, everyyyyyyyoneeess got one. i guess, we should decorate them & get unique with it? :]
its about time
i finally picked my head up out of the ass of bitterness & depression.
yes,
i dusted myself off & walked along the shores of golden sands.
&the thing is...it was nobodies doing. it wasn't. i have nobody to thank..but myself & the supernatural. sometimes folks, all it really takes is peace & quiet & some deep breaths.
shake the ass of lifes true meaning.
anyway, its time to get nude. enough of this sap crap...i feel like a fucking wimp.
i've been watching movies lately..some legally, some illegally. i just can't fight the urge to sit down & let a motion picture suck 1-2 hours out of my life.
i've been watching some independant films that i've had on my list..that i have neglected to watch & some that were not on my list but i'm glad i watched them.
all of the ones on my list...basically made me want to vomit all of my bones out.
i'm so tired of movies that try to hard to fit 'reality' into a screen. you really can't make movies realistic when all the audience can think about was....'didn't she make a porno with so & so...dirty girl'
i mean...c'mon. half of the actors i've seen really fist fuck the movies they are in..in the ass. please go back to acting school! i'm on my hands & knee's..typing this w/my tongue BEGGING YOU.. please go back.
i, personally, would love to be an actress. these jokers make it look easy.
this post is hilarious to me, i've had the best day. &i still can't help but write my most negative entry ever recorded. fun. :]
yes,
i dusted myself off & walked along the shores of golden sands.
&the thing is...it was nobodies doing. it wasn't. i have nobody to thank..but myself & the supernatural. sometimes folks, all it really takes is peace & quiet & some deep breaths.
shake the ass of lifes true meaning.
anyway, its time to get nude. enough of this sap crap...i feel like a fucking wimp.
i've been watching movies lately..some legally, some illegally. i just can't fight the urge to sit down & let a motion picture suck 1-2 hours out of my life.
i've been watching some independant films that i've had on my list..that i have neglected to watch & some that were not on my list but i'm glad i watched them.
all of the ones on my list...basically made me want to vomit all of my bones out.
i'm so tired of movies that try to hard to fit 'reality' into a screen. you really can't make movies realistic when all the audience can think about was....'didn't she make a porno with so & so...dirty girl'
i mean...c'mon. half of the actors i've seen really fist fuck the movies they are in..in the ass. please go back to acting school! i'm on my hands & knee's..typing this w/my tongue BEGGING YOU.. please go back.
i, personally, would love to be an actress. these jokers make it look easy.
this post is hilarious to me, i've had the best day. &i still can't help but write my most negative entry ever recorded. fun. :]
i'm either jealous or righteous..unsure
I'm very, totally..entirely tired
of 'cool' peoples smelly rank bullshit.
i hope i'm being clear when i say,
if you don't want to be cool,
i give lessons. at an uncool price, so..think more. this is reality.
this year, has shaken me, i find myself awakened by the fact that:
a) my design isn't akin to that of a playboy bunny.
b) i have little tolerance for people who do not &/or cannot think for themselves.
c) i wasn't exactly socialized into this scene, so this blog is probably bias.
d) &lastly, i do not much care for the even flow of modern day 'hip'.
basically, all yawl hipsters, can crawl up & eat this fist.
come get summmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.
righteous, im sure now.
love,
the awkward status xoxo
of 'cool' peoples smelly rank bullshit.
i hope i'm being clear when i say,
if you don't want to be cool,
i give lessons. at an uncool price, so..think more. this is reality.
this year, has shaken me, i find myself awakened by the fact that:
a) my design isn't akin to that of a playboy bunny.
b) i have little tolerance for people who do not &/or cannot think for themselves.
c) i wasn't exactly socialized into this scene, so this blog is probably bias.
d) &lastly, i do not much care for the even flow of modern day 'hip'.
basically, all yawl hipsters, can crawl up & eat this fist.
come get summmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.
righteous, im sure now.
love,
the awkward status xoxo
i was attacked by a wet, soggy..plastic bag
i woke up..ready for the day to pour out everything its got.
i woke up..screaming 'bring it the fuck on'..i did.
i mean, i really thought 'can't nothing bring me down'
little did i know something WOULD & COULD bring me down.
i was walking to my communications class, ready & excited to give my speech. i looked people in the eye as i walked toward this building, the cold gripped at me but i spat at it. there was a seemingly unstoppable inferno goin on in me! then i saw it, a plastic bag being tossed around by the wind.
i smirked..at the very thought that that plastic bag could ruin my mood. & kept walking, suddenly i stepped on something..a rock? when i locked down..i heard some loud crinkle coming towards me then POOF! that plastic bag flew right into my face as the wind blew harder & harder than i'd ever felt!
the plastic bag had some sort of sticky liquid on it & i started to muffle scream. finally i ripped it off my face..to find all these eyes looking at me...some laughing some shocked, obviously everyone was entertained.
i just said....'HEH...DAMN PLASTIC BAGS RIGHT?' & darted into my building.
pride comes right before the fall. :]
i woke up..screaming 'bring it the fuck on'..i did.
i mean, i really thought 'can't nothing bring me down'
little did i know something WOULD & COULD bring me down.
i was walking to my communications class, ready & excited to give my speech. i looked people in the eye as i walked toward this building, the cold gripped at me but i spat at it. there was a seemingly unstoppable inferno goin on in me! then i saw it, a plastic bag being tossed around by the wind.
i smirked..at the very thought that that plastic bag could ruin my mood. & kept walking, suddenly i stepped on something..a rock? when i locked down..i heard some loud crinkle coming towards me then POOF! that plastic bag flew right into my face as the wind blew harder & harder than i'd ever felt!
the plastic bag had some sort of sticky liquid on it & i started to muffle scream. finally i ripped it off my face..to find all these eyes looking at me...some laughing some shocked, obviously everyone was entertained.
i just said....'HEH...DAMN PLASTIC BAGS RIGHT?' & darted into my building.
pride comes right before the fall. :]
listen up yawl
i have a new playlist. its in the same place as the other one 'gypsie meets warrior'..i probably shouldnt have told you..b/c now all you'll do is scroll down the page b/c it's overlapping with the music youre probably playing right now. thats what i also do.
anyhow, this one is called 'liquid'..i think i made it back in janurary..its not full so obviously i'm still adding songs.
i haven't had a blog entry in a while now because i'm in mourning. my precious beautiful fool dog passed away on Saturday the 27th of Feburary, of old age. my sister found him at the top of the stairs..in 'his spot'. my dad came & told me while i was at work so i could go say goodbye to my baby brother.
i was hysterical. i was loud, wailing, crying so hard the ground shook..&i was escorted out by my detention officer of a dad & an off duty [sexy] cop.
i'll tell you about why this cop is sexy later.
but yes, it was/is very rough for me & i miss him even typing this. he was my diamond! if i was lonely, he knew...he'd come up all slowly to cuddle up with me.
when i was sad he knew too.
&he definitly knew when i was angry, &like everyone else..would take off like the wind.
i've had him for more than 11years.
this is him:
&my love for him, was why this cop was so sexy to me. i was understandably emotional & vounerable..&this guy at work was giving me a hard time. he is not my manager, but pretends to be. he said some mean things me to in regards to my dog. so i jumped on him..infront of this cop [not caring about prison to potential charges] &started to beat him up. [&i warned this kid, so it was fair. i'm not scared to beat the shit out someone. fighting isn't about giving, its about taking & i can take it.]
of course, the cop runs over[he had been watching cautiously after hearing the raised voices] & starts pulling me off, finally succeeding after about 5 minutes. he picked me up & held me in the air..as i struggled to get back to this FUCK CLIT of a dude. still holding me in the air, he yells over to this worm & tells him 'YOU NEED TO CALM THE HELL DOWN'. he sets me down on the ground & asks me if im okay. i felt like a little girl who dropped her ice cream cone & lives in a broken down trailer.
i was stupefied. i have never had anyone [1] stop me from kicking someones ass, [2] act like i'm the victim when i kick someones ass, or [3] throw me over their shoulder like i'm not 5'8 & don't weigh 137.4 pounds.
but i oddly was fascinated by this.&the fact that he was turned on by the fact that i went through all 4 seasons right in front of him. first...i was chipper-cheerful-free-for-all talking to him for like 2 hours...then i was devastated & hysterical while he was escorting me out of the restaurant [&struggling to do so]..then i was dormant & depressing...then i was furious & dangerous.
if i saw someone like that, i'd keep my distance. yet he followed me around all night..talking my head off.
i need more friends like that. because i'm greedy, i want more than what i got. :]
-wild amazon
p.s. R.I.P Pinn...i love you baby boy!
HANDS
if i ever started to express my love of hands, rest easy, i have not even started yet.
today, after a very stimulating sociology class [which always gets me in the moods to watch everyone]..i started paying attention to peoples hands & connecting who they are to their hands.
while hands dont say e v e r y t h i n g, they say a fuck of a lot. i saw, big hands with big strong fingers, wide hands, pale nail beds, rough hands, dry hands, moist hands, long hands, wrinkly hands,guitar hands, heavy hands, metal hands, stubby hands, withered hands, hands hands hands..
they speak for themselves really.
i did something, i havent done in a while. i held someones hand while i spoke to them, &the connection was amazing. a little awkward at first, but worth it. she had delicate hands with slim long fingers..they were also rather cold.
i asked her if she was an artist. yes. i asked her if she kept a clean room. yes. i could tell this from her hands, not the way she dresses, but i could feel it in her hands. does that make any sense..or am i just like the homeless people on the subway..'the end it near! my bowel was shaped like a comet!'
hands are amazing people. i wish holding peoples hands was just a normal thing, i love it. it saves a whole lot..because if you dont like holding someones hand..or dont feel much, then you know..its not right.
i know my hands say a lot about me. i draw on my hands, wear rings, nail polish..ya know? but i also have large love/venus mounds, a gap between my pointer & middle finger [huge spender], rough yet soft hands..currently dry. i'm sensitive, but most wouldnt know that because i dont portray my sensitivity..a little unhealthy, but it works for me. i shop a lot, spend money i dont have. i love a lot, i nurture, i give..with strength i dont have. my long fingers.. constantly gripping on to what i can..savoring, attaching like octopus legs.
..fucking hands man.
today, after a very stimulating sociology class [which always gets me in the moods to watch everyone]..i started paying attention to peoples hands & connecting who they are to their hands.
while hands dont say e v e r y t h i n g, they say a fuck of a lot. i saw, big hands with big strong fingers, wide hands, pale nail beds, rough hands, dry hands, moist hands, long hands, wrinkly hands,guitar hands, heavy hands, metal hands, stubby hands, withered hands, hands hands hands..
they speak for themselves really.
i did something, i havent done in a while. i held someones hand while i spoke to them, &the connection was amazing. a little awkward at first, but worth it. she had delicate hands with slim long fingers..they were also rather cold.
i asked her if she was an artist. yes. i asked her if she kept a clean room. yes. i could tell this from her hands, not the way she dresses, but i could feel it in her hands. does that make any sense..or am i just like the homeless people on the subway..'the end it near! my bowel was shaped like a comet!'
hands are amazing people. i wish holding peoples hands was just a normal thing, i love it. it saves a whole lot..because if you dont like holding someones hand..or dont feel much, then you know..its not right.
i know my hands say a lot about me. i draw on my hands, wear rings, nail polish..ya know? but i also have large love/venus mounds, a gap between my pointer & middle finger [huge spender], rough yet soft hands..currently dry. i'm sensitive, but most wouldnt know that because i dont portray my sensitivity..a little unhealthy, but it works for me. i shop a lot, spend money i dont have. i love a lot, i nurture, i give..with strength i dont have. my long fingers.. constantly gripping on to what i can..savoring, attaching like octopus legs.
..fucking hands man.
Rachel Brice
started to do yoga & belly dancing around 16/17.
i've never been more inspired, because i started around 14/15. &all this time i felt like i shouldve started when i was a fetus. so i could GET somewhere..have some fucking years under my jingly belt.
now, i feel like being a yoga instructor isn't such a distant & impossible future for me. i can sigh reliefs, i can stop feeling so anxious about taking courses. god, this is such a gust of fresh fucking air.
also, rachel brice was one of the reasons i even started to belly dance. [not the reason i started yoga]. when she moves it is just like a fucking song. &since i have such a love for body language, smooth angles when i draw, &words that blend in poetry....naturally i'm in total love with the art of belly dance.
&Rachel Brice, my wife, just knows exactly what to fucking do. &to think, i almost gave up..when i can eventually adopt fluent movements such as this:
Rachel Brice - Training Video Performance
Pami | MySpace Video
i've never been more inspired, because i started around 14/15. &all this time i felt like i shouldve started when i was a fetus. so i could GET somewhere..have some fucking years under my jingly belt.
now, i feel like being a yoga instructor isn't such a distant & impossible future for me. i can sigh reliefs, i can stop feeling so anxious about taking courses. god, this is such a gust of fresh fucking air.
also, rachel brice was one of the reasons i even started to belly dance. [not the reason i started yoga]. when she moves it is just like a fucking song. &since i have such a love for body language, smooth angles when i draw, &words that blend in poetry....naturally i'm in total love with the art of belly dance.
&Rachel Brice, my wife, just knows exactly what to fucking do. &to think, i almost gave up..when i can eventually adopt fluent movements such as this:
Rachel Brice - Training Video Performance
Pami | MySpace Video
one more time i'll find you,
one more time..i'll remind you that
one more time..is all that i can take,
i swear on the crust of the moon,
one more time is all that i can bear,
i see the silver lining in your hair,
the years have really passed us by,
&it scares me,
sitting in this broken chair,
gazing up at the moon,
wishing that this one more time..wasn't far too soon.
god, today i had a conversation with someone. a real conversation..which is hard to come by. i mean, i have lots of conversations with people but i haven't gotten deep in a long while, philosophical if you allow.
he said, ''ask me anything, anything question you're dying to know the answer to.'' [sounds cocky, but this is the kind of cocky i love. true thought, he was no clown adivsor..this was no accident. seriously, i'm still in a haze.]
i asked him, ''do you think people are really living..or just dying?'' by people, ireally meant me. but he doesn't know me..so he'd be like.. stupefied.
sounds stupid. WHATEVER..but it's been eating at me..this 'living' ordeal. what the fuck is 'living' & whats it got to do with me. at an early age..i knew that in every jealous second..time was stealing life from me, i was dying. it was a hard concept to grasp that at some time before or after i'm ready to actually die it would happen. whether i've 'lived' in my opinion or not.
he said: ''it depends on what your idea of 'living' is. some people define it through religion, others sex..others friends &/or family. but, the majority of the people confuse living with freedom.''
its true. everyone thinks if you're free you can live. adapt people. there is no absolute freedom.
if youre looking to do what you want & you call that freedom, please freely dive off a fucking cliff. freedom exists inside of you. &i've seen free people..i can see it in their eyes.
i want need to live life freely, course through each adventure & feel..seek, listen..observe, wonder, abandon hoplessness..come to, finally. i dream too much, it's almost a burden. does that make sense? its time for a new course of action. i almost wish i could start over with this train of thought, but if i started over...........i'd do this all again. what a waste of incredible magic, to trace back time only to make the same mistakes again, right? sigh.
i want to fall in love with life again. not society.
there are so many people i see, who seem so hard to pin down. they are always getting into something, always sniffing around & circling constantly before they find a resting place [like a dog]. its unusual. it makes me want to throw some Thoreau at them & call it a fucking day. i'm gonna go to the library & get some more Don Juan teaching in my brain because, nothing has been stimulating enough lately.
gyppppp gyp gyp.
because flesh is flesh..flesh as flesh as flesh
The difference is thin
But life has a certain ability of breathing new
life into me
So I breathe it in
some of us are built like filters, where people can just weave in & out of the spaces we allow them to rent for free or not.
&i feel like one of those unlucky individuals.
i've been told by people who care about me..that i have a habit of letting people rent space in my life. &for free.
but not anymore, i think i'll eliminate those people from my life that are too cheap to stay. :] it's a hefty price to pay to stay inside of my world. yes, i have a world now.
i've found out a lot of things about myself since i've stayed off drugs & away from bad influences. i've found out..that always & forever i am trying to level out everything. make everything fair & easy. when really, it can never be. i keep making sure i'm walking side by side with everyone in this mine field, when really i just as soon walk 100 feet in front of people to begin with because thats where i end up anyway. :]
And the question is, was I more alive
Then than I am now?
I happily have to disagree
I laugh more often now, I cry more often now
I am more me .
Sufjan Stevens & i, just recently eloped & had children.
i loved today...
&i'm very excited about video taping everything life has to offer.
[STORY SWTICH]
also, i'm sorry about the post before last. i'm thinking about deleting it. i feel self-righteous & slutty for it. &i also feel very oddly about my curiosity to step into a whores thongs.
do whores even wear underware? i'd figure in a world where everything is being made easier...they'd just skip the middle man all together...right? doesnt that sound fair?
[SUBJECT SPIN]
but anyways. i'd like to give a shout out to my lovely Mitchelllll Raymonddd. i love you pookie, youre one of the only people i can count on in this fucked upworld. &today was so much fun...as our days tend to be. i love our friendship, i can tell you anything. whaaat up.
[TOPIC TILT]
anyhow. terrific realizations happen when you least expect them i suppose. i'd really like to punch some people in the nose. i hate being lied to, but you know what. karma is a spinning wheel of serious intent.
nuff said.
&i'm very excited about video taping everything life has to offer.
[STORY SWTICH]
also, i'm sorry about the post before last. i'm thinking about deleting it. i feel self-righteous & slutty for it. &i also feel very oddly about my curiosity to step into a whores thongs.
do whores even wear underware? i'd figure in a world where everything is being made easier...they'd just skip the middle man all together...right? doesnt that sound fair?
[SUBJECT SPIN]
but anyways. i'd like to give a shout out to my lovely Mitchelllll Raymonddd. i love you pookie, youre one of the only people i can count on in this fucked upworld. &today was so much fun...as our days tend to be. i love our friendship, i can tell you anything. whaaat up.
[TOPIC TILT]
anyhow. terrific realizations happen when you least expect them i suppose. i'd really like to punch some people in the nose. i hate being lied to, but you know what. karma is a spinning wheel of serious intent.
nuff said.
dont fuck around with me
all i want is for people to be honest & respectful.
dont fuck around with me.
dont fuck around with me.
i'm so bad
i'm laughing my ass off at all the guys that thought they had a chance w/me tonight.
&i'm bad..i sat there & smiled & flirted [tried].
i know i'm bad, because i led them on & gave them wrong numbers.
but seriously, they're all bad because they probably didnt want hugs & kisses to stop with hugs & kisses.
plus, they were all either friends or related..whatd they want a train?
cassie has a made a monster outta me.
its all very flattering, even when the dudes are uglier than my butt & have the same spirituality as porn.
why is that? i mean..dont get me wrong it simultaneously disgusting & vialtile..but why is flattery so satisfying?
i, personally...always question the motives behind flattery. probably because ive spent the worser part of my life using flattery to get out of trouble..or to get into trouble. so naturally...when someone is obviously trying to flatter me...i want to know why. its pretty easy to figure out though.
BODY LANGUAGE. if you know about body language, you know everything you need to know about flattery.
tonight, when these young men were talking to me. their body language shouted 'hoornnnyyy'. but did mine?
its very easy to shoot someone down with body language, i couldve easily done that. but i'm a vulture of curiosity. so of course, i faked my body language & figured if i continued to fake it..that wouldnt be the only thing i'd be faking that night. haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa...ROASTED.
it was interesting, i think i have a taste of what all the flirty pretty girls feel like.
i dont care for the feeling. its objectifying & weird. i wanted to punch them all in the head after it was said & done.
i'm not 16 anymore, i guess its time for something different.
&i'm bad..i sat there & smiled & flirted [tried].
i know i'm bad, because i led them on & gave them wrong numbers.
but seriously, they're all bad because they probably didnt want hugs & kisses to stop with hugs & kisses.
plus, they were all either friends or related..whatd they want a train?
cassie has a made a monster outta me.
its all very flattering, even when the dudes are uglier than my butt & have the same spirituality as porn.
why is that? i mean..dont get me wrong it simultaneously disgusting & vialtile..but why is flattery so satisfying?
i, personally...always question the motives behind flattery. probably because ive spent the worser part of my life using flattery to get out of trouble..or to get into trouble. so naturally...when someone is obviously trying to flatter me...i want to know why. its pretty easy to figure out though.
BODY LANGUAGE. if you know about body language, you know everything you need to know about flattery.
tonight, when these young men were talking to me. their body language shouted 'hoornnnyyy'. but did mine?
its very easy to shoot someone down with body language, i couldve easily done that. but i'm a vulture of curiosity. so of course, i faked my body language & figured if i continued to fake it..that wouldnt be the only thing i'd be faking that night. haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa...ROASTED.
it was interesting, i think i have a taste of what all the flirty pretty girls feel like.
i dont care for the feeling. its objectifying & weird. i wanted to punch them all in the head after it was said & done.
i'm not 16 anymore, i guess its time for something different.
sass my ass
i get so stuck dealing with other peoples problems, mine kinda sit collecting dust & i'm allergic to dust.
but, fine.
today...of course, i stuck my head into a relationship that i helped form & realized its none of my business & never should have been. she apparently 'sassed' him..&then he came crying to me about it.
??
be a man, right?
anywhore, i tried to be polite & help but i ended up getting annoyed & angry. i'm 18 years old...why should i have to put band-aids on the boo boo's of middle aged bitches? it was some ludashit. i started off real calm & collect like..then i just spewed out some truth. i told them that since its been a good while since they'd been in the 6th grade, maybe they should realize if they need a middle man in their relationship they should just as soon start spreading rumours about how missy loo stuffs her bra & call this shit what it is.
i didnt tell them to break up, i just told them what ive been told, you can't try on people like shoes.
i mean my god, we're human beings. you can't handle a sass? idk, i've been known to overreact..
but when i told them the next time they come to me to patch up their 'grown up' relationship, i'd throw them over my knee....i meant it.
but, fine.
today...of course, i stuck my head into a relationship that i helped form & realized its none of my business & never should have been. she apparently 'sassed' him..&then he came crying to me about it.
??
be a man, right?
anywhore, i tried to be polite & help but i ended up getting annoyed & angry. i'm 18 years old...why should i have to put band-aids on the boo boo's of middle aged bitches? it was some ludashit. i started off real calm & collect like..then i just spewed out some truth. i told them that since its been a good while since they'd been in the 6th grade, maybe they should realize if they need a middle man in their relationship they should just as soon start spreading rumours about how missy loo stuffs her bra & call this shit what it is.
i didnt tell them to break up, i just told them what ive been told, you can't try on people like shoes.
i mean my god, we're human beings. you can't handle a sass? idk, i've been known to overreact..
but when i told them the next time they come to me to patch up their 'grown up' relationship, i'd throw them over my knee....i meant it.
us people are just poems
we're 90 percent literal with a leanness of meaning approaching hyper-distillation,
&once upon a time we were moon shine..rushing down the throat of a giraffe.
gypsie meets warrior
i have the same playlist on here, that i had on my old blog. [located at the bottom of the page, if you were wondering where this mysterious music was beaming from. scroll..scroll....]
the title, 'gypsie meets warrior' was inspired by Carlos Castinida's 'lessons of don juan'
Don Juan teaches Carlos about different paths in life. such as the path of being a warrior.
&i, Gypsie, would like to be a warrior in life. sounds craycray..but its true.
anyhow, it happens to be one of my favorite playlists...filled with beautiful songs..most of my favorites. been tryna spice up the blog, you know..
anyway. today was a day of reminese. ive been trying to clean my room, so i can walk into my room able to feel the carpet under my feet, instead of falling into my room & landing, face first, in an assortment of shoes, pants, shirts, & thongs. i use the phrase 'i fell down some stairs' sometimes, just so i won't have to tell people about the condition of my room, which is why i have scratches & brusies on my arms.
exaggeration.
anyhow...my point, i found hunreds of old poetry. &its so strange, poetry really defined so much in me. &now i barely write poetry..i just write about things that happen to me or record dreams..if that. but everytime i read them, i remember the day, time, weather...everything i felt.
i remember the people that were in my life, the situations that inspired me to write..so many important things. it makes me wonder if this point in my life is of critical growth. i dont like questioning that, i really don't. but i'm very sensitive to things, & i feel like through this bit of dry action will come a poetic influence..that i welcome into my life.
if i'm breathing, i'm growing. because you can never die if you've never lived.
ashley & i barely read each other poetry anymore, it bums me out. i think i'll have to call her up & see if she's written anything lately.
im just venting
tired of 'good listeners'...
you know, you tell them your problems...not even a second later they're talking about themselves again. almost everyone i know is this way. why do i attract these type of people? i love to listen..i really do..but i also love to talk. &Ashley & the people i work w/get all my pent up words & feelings & excitement that i don't get to express as much. i feel bad for them.
don't get it. don't get it at all.
a maze zing!
i actually developed some prints in the darkroom..
of course, i forgot my negatives at home so they weren't my pictures...
yet, i feel so satisfied.
its been a week since ive been to photography, all b/c everytime i had this dudes money i'd spend it.
i'm making a late resolution to add on to the one i made sitting across from terrbear on new years,
not to owe anyone anything. :]
lets see how this all plays out.
of course, i forgot my negatives at home so they weren't my pictures...
yet, i feel so satisfied.
its been a week since ive been to photography, all b/c everytime i had this dudes money i'd spend it.
i'm making a late resolution to add on to the one i made sitting across from terrbear on new years,
not to owe anyone anything. :]
lets see how this all plays out.
courting or animalistic mating/humping?
have all the days of proper courting gone off the roof, splattered on the mud, & left there for the rodents to chew on...?
i dont want to be single, but thats not an option for me. nobody courts like they should.
its...hey hey baby *sweet talk* *sappy nauseating sweet talk* then bone bone bone. then what? some sloppy formed relationshit based on..what can you do for me?
i dont think i have it in me to take the chance of giving myself to someone who is just glad yet simultaneously ungrateful that i gave it away.
i'm just not sure..in this society...i'm going to find a true dude who can put up w/me or my standards. i'm at a point where if you can't take me as i am..i just as soon not even waste my fucking time.
time is life baybee, i aint toyin around.
we got some problems people.
also:
[this was not triggered by any one guy...just the product of lack of sleep... caffeine...&romantic dumb ass comedy's. put that together...this is what i come up with..a blog entry you get to roll your eyes to & say 'whatever..']
i dont want to be single, but thats not an option for me. nobody courts like they should.
its...hey hey baby *sweet talk* *sappy nauseating sweet talk* then bone bone bone. then what? some sloppy formed relationshit based on..what can you do for me?
i dont think i have it in me to take the chance of giving myself to someone who is just glad yet simultaneously ungrateful that i gave it away.
i'm just not sure..in this society...i'm going to find a true dude who can put up w/me or my standards. i'm at a point where if you can't take me as i am..i just as soon not even waste my fucking time.
time is life baybee, i aint toyin around.
we got some problems people.
also:
[this was not triggered by any one guy...just the product of lack of sleep... caffeine...&romantic dumb ass comedy's. put that together...this is what i come up with..a blog entry you get to roll your eyes to & say 'whatever..']
shell eggs
feelin pretty burnt, banged up, & blasted.
someone knock me the fuck out.maybe i just dont have what it takes to join the working class.
poverty is just so appealing.
good vs evil
good vs evil? good or evil? good & evil? evil? evil? evil?
i'm not very photogenic..not at all, thats why i choose to be behind the lens rather than front & center.
but i do appreciate Mitchie's photography. i guess i need to have some memory of what i've looked like in my stages of growth. although, flipping through some pictures can be painful. i mean, i've been through some rough stages...
like when i though i was just part of the 80's glamrock movement...or when i loved the 20's...the 60's....being a whore....&of course when i just didnt give a fuck & combined all of them into a painful collage of disorganized dog shit. :].
but now, i have a picture of me on here. how about i go pass the fuck out now?
but i do appreciate Mitchie's photography. i guess i need to have some memory of what i've looked like in my stages of growth. although, flipping through some pictures can be painful. i mean, i've been through some rough stages...
like when i though i was just part of the 80's glamrock movement...or when i loved the 20's...the 60's....being a whore....&of course when i just didnt give a fuck & combined all of them into a painful collage of disorganized dog shit. :].
but now, i have a picture of me on here. how about i go pass the fuck out now?
today:
i met a girl named Kat, big tits Kat to be exact.
she has a pet rat named Tits, who she takes w/her everywhere. he hids in her hood.
guess thats one of those things thats so weird you appreciate. i want a buddy that can hang w/me anywhere..is that ridiculous?
anyways. Ashley made me a dreadlock bead that is this amazing green blue bear, i'm wearing it was we speak. she made it out of clay & fired it until it came out the way she planned. i love it!
i also toured some kick ass places in charlotte & fell in love w/a lot of things.
although the sushi from last night really tried to tie me to the toliet all day, i had more fun than my tummy would allow.
fuck seafood.
she has a pet rat named Tits, who she takes w/her everywhere. he hids in her hood.
guess thats one of those things thats so weird you appreciate. i want a buddy that can hang w/me anywhere..is that ridiculous?
anyways. Ashley made me a dreadlock bead that is this amazing green blue bear, i'm wearing it was we speak. she made it out of clay & fired it until it came out the way she planned. i love it!
i also toured some kick ass places in charlotte & fell in love w/a lot of things.
although the sushi from last night really tried to tie me to the toliet all day, i had more fun than my tummy would allow.
fuck seafood.
:/
Sushi, why have you betrayed me?
been watching Michelle Phan all morning, my face is hidden under layers of makeup where i have been too lazy to wash some off before i experiment again.
i have nobody to thank but my dearest Mitchie, for introducting Ms.Phan & i, now we're just two & two.
today..should be interesting. ha.
been watching Michelle Phan all morning, my face is hidden under layers of makeup where i have been too lazy to wash some off before i experiment again.
i have nobody to thank but my dearest Mitchie, for introducting Ms.Phan & i, now we're just two & two.
today..should be interesting. ha.
O, wacky days
i've never slept as less,
studied more,
stood taller,
laughed until little farts escaped,
cried harder,
respectfully told people off..rant-style,
cared more,
than i do now.
studied more,
stood taller,
laughed until little farts escaped,
cried harder,
respectfully told people off..rant-style,
cared more,
than i do now.
maybe all this sounds as cheesy as pizza, or maybe it sounds as cheesy as that analogy,
but it is oh so true my dearests. i kid you not!
juice
dyed the green in my hair blue,
guess i was tired of feeling like i had boogers in my hair. +thats the color i intended on it being in the first place, but when i bleached my hair it turned a yellow blonde.
yellow + blue = booger green hair.
i got intouch with an old friend on yesterday at like 2 in the morning, Courtney.
as much as i avoided this, when i heard the clear, fresh sound of her cheerful drunken slurs..i had to smile.
so much better than shes sounded for the past 2 years.
i just wonder if people really change, &if they do change which of the changes is dominant?
these days truth & bullshit are wearing the same outfit.
&also,
fuck the snow, the suns out...i applaud this. melt away oh wicked, wicked snow.
i hurt myself too many times, had cold hands & feet.
my blood flow seemed to stop & freeze..&then i died.
but then a couple of hours later i woke up w/a bloody nose [think of the 3rd lord of the rings scene when Gandalf came back alive w/the bloody nose & looked malnutrishend...that was me]
ugh, i like when its snowING but hate patches of murderous ice & blankets of frigid ass snow.
please Mother Nature, be kinder. some of us can't do this. stop hating us & bring some warm slutty days. please. i'm dyin.
i hurt myself too many times, had cold hands & feet.
my blood flow seemed to stop & freeze..&then i died.
but then a couple of hours later i woke up w/a bloody nose [think of the 3rd lord of the rings scene when Gandalf came back alive w/the bloody nose & looked malnutrishend...that was me]
ugh, i like when its snowING but hate patches of murderous ice & blankets of frigid ass snow.
please Mother Nature, be kinder. some of us can't do this. stop hating us & bring some warm slutty days. please. i'm dyin.
hello? where has the connection gone?
does anyone listen to anyone anymore? or are our words just noise that fill the void?
when we're talking to someone, who are we really talking to?
i thought i knew, but yesterday i was wrong every time ha.
the weather is divine today, a good day for pictures but can't drive w/a gas less tank.
looks like i'll be traveling by foot at a slow climb.
when we're talking to someone, who are we really talking to?
i thought i knew, but yesterday i was wrong every time ha.
the weather is divine today, a good day for pictures but can't drive w/a gas less tank.
looks like i'll be traveling by foot at a slow climb.
26
well, i havent been to school for 2 days straight.
ever since saturday, things have been deteriorating right in my hands, fine. im not letting anything affect me too badly..
but of course if this shit continues i think i'll have myself a little melt down, barricade myself in my half clean half beat up room & scream for the next 18 years of my life.
i went to work today, ready to make some gas money for school, so i can actually go ya know? i got a classy church crowd w/a fat ass preacher. i mean, he was pouring off of the chair. c'mon. one of the 7 deadly sins is gluttony sir &he orded country fried steak, hash browns, 3 pancakes [which he bitched for until he got them], &3 fucking eggs...so when he started to preach to me i bit my cheek so hard i think ill need stitches asap. he was like 'you saved girl?'
i love him.
church crowds are notoriously bad tippers, so when a crowd of 15 came in...i expected about 5 dollars off them, i always want to say 'wow, i hope your tithes aren't this skimpy..' but they gave me 16. almost a dollar a piece from them [there was more, but i'll explain what happened], i was in awe. as they were leaving i shouted 'God bless'...&that preacher gave me the oddest look & asked where i went to church. i told him the refuge..he wrinkled his nose & handed me his church's thing. &told me id find salvation there. i ripped it up right infront of him & told him that when my healthy fasting preacher comes in to eat he is very nice, understanding, & attentive. thats when he hobbled right over & grabbed his 2 dollar tip off of the table.
i smiled, 'dont bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, you get that hungry.'
gotta love people, right? i was actually pretty relieved..i didnt need his greasy money..or to go to a church where the preacher preaches w/a drum stick hanging out of his mouth. seriously.
thats my work story, i should make a whole serperate blog for these but i dont want to take it too far. my goal is to quit having things to talk about that are work-related..stop losing my temper at work, & just smile like i've got a dick in my hand.
that was unnecessary.
ever since saturday, things have been deteriorating right in my hands, fine. im not letting anything affect me too badly..
but of course if this shit continues i think i'll have myself a little melt down, barricade myself in my half clean half beat up room & scream for the next 18 years of my life.
i went to work today, ready to make some gas money for school, so i can actually go ya know? i got a classy church crowd w/a fat ass preacher. i mean, he was pouring off of the chair. c'mon. one of the 7 deadly sins is gluttony sir &he orded country fried steak, hash browns, 3 pancakes [which he bitched for until he got them], &3 fucking eggs...so when he started to preach to me i bit my cheek so hard i think ill need stitches asap. he was like 'you saved girl?'
i love him.
church crowds are notoriously bad tippers, so when a crowd of 15 came in...i expected about 5 dollars off them, i always want to say 'wow, i hope your tithes aren't this skimpy..' but they gave me 16. almost a dollar a piece from them [there was more, but i'll explain what happened], i was in awe. as they were leaving i shouted 'God bless'...&that preacher gave me the oddest look & asked where i went to church. i told him the refuge..he wrinkled his nose & handed me his church's thing. &told me id find salvation there. i ripped it up right infront of him & told him that when my healthy fasting preacher comes in to eat he is very nice, understanding, & attentive. thats when he hobbled right over & grabbed his 2 dollar tip off of the table.
i smiled, 'dont bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, you get that hungry.'
gotta love people, right? i was actually pretty relieved..i didnt need his greasy money..or to go to a church where the preacher preaches w/a drum stick hanging out of his mouth. seriously.
thats my work story, i should make a whole serperate blog for these but i dont want to take it too far. my goal is to quit having things to talk about that are work-related..stop losing my temper at work, & just smile like i've got a dick in my hand.
that was unnecessary.
frustrated?
i was, i thought i lost my cell phone....so i was freakin the fuck out..throwing shit everywhere,
wailing, going into seizures...i mean i was very upset.
then when i found it, i was simultaneously happy & upset as hell that it would do that to me.
is this what losing a kid feels like? hahahha, because if im having those feelings for a tiny ass cell phone then i have a problem.
wailing, going into seizures...i mean i was very upset.
then when i found it, i was simultaneously happy & upset as hell that it would do that to me.
is this what losing a kid feels like? hahahha, because if im having those feelings for a tiny ass cell phone then i have a problem.
take away our playstations, &we are a third-world nation.
everythings been good other than that little anxiety attack i had...pretty normal. my therapist told me to clean & decorate my room in a way that would make me more inclined to take care of it. &its almost like my mother objects to that....as she does anything thats good for me unless its catholic. FUCK catholic. k?
but, Lee told me that my room represents how i am on the inside...&seriously...its knee-deep in clothes & garbage. i normally exaggerate everything but this is the truth talking. so i've started a very exciting project. :D
anyway, gotta get ready to 'BE THE PANCAKE'.......shit suckss.
I'M MAD AS HELL, &I'M NOT GONNA TAKE THIS ANYMORE!
Television is not the truth!
Television is a God-damned amusement park!
Television is a circus, a carnival, a traveling troupe of acrobats, storytellers, dancers, singers, jugglers, side-show freaks, lion tamers, and football players. We're in the boredom-killing business! So if you want the truth... Go to God! Go to your gurus! Go to yourselves! Because that's the only place you're ever going to find any real truth.
But, man, you're never going to get any truth from us. We'll tell you anything you want to hear; we lie like hell. We'll tell you that, uh, Kojak always gets the killer, or that nobody ever gets cancer at Archie Bunker's house, and no matter how much trouble the hero is in, don't worry, just look at your watch; at the end of the hour he's going to win.
We'll tell you any shit you want to hear. We deal in *illusions*, man! None of it is true! But you people sit there, day after day, night after night, all ages, colors, creeds... We're all you know. You're beginning to believe the illusions we're spinning here. You're beginning to think that the tube is reality, and that your own lives are unreal. You do whatever the tube tells you! You dress like the tube, you eat like the tube, you raise your children like the tube, you even *think* like the tube! This is mass madness, you maniacs! In God's name, you people are the real thing! WE are the illusion!
Network 1976, i love that movie.
Dentie
i went to the Dentist today &it was wonderful!
i've always liked having someone manhandle my mouth, you know?
anyway, they kept telling me i had beautiful teeth as if they expected a tip for cleaning my already clean & flossed teeth..&then she goes & randomly says, 'but you'll need braces.'
thats when i bit her hand pretty hard & said something i'm not sure any human being would understand..
after a while of making some weird sound & choking on that strong paste they use..i finally came out with 'what do i need braces for?!'
i know i have an overbite..but get this, in the long run my bottom teeth will slant IN my mouth toward the back of my throat changing the shape of my face some & i'll end up getting sores on the roof of my mouth. talk about a fuckin grill. i felt like pretending to pass out..throw up..or bite her hand again, but nothing dramatic could save me from the fact that i'll look like a British bitch in the future...i began to fantasize about my accent, trying to look on the hideous bright side.
because braces are just not an option for me, i wish i had just done it like when i was 12, not now. NO.
NO.
....god no. NO NO NO?! its just that simple. absolutely not. i'll just kill myself around 50..no problem.
i asked her if i was a candidate for invisalign, because the way she described the severity of the ugliness i'll have to face unless my teeth were strapped in their own little strait jacket, made it sound like we were talkin serious head gear. but she told me i was, i sighed a relief & took the knife off of her throat.
i sure hope insurance covers this shit, as much as i see & make fun of adults who wear braces..i'd just be a hypocrite.
what a day! :D
i've always liked having someone manhandle my mouth, you know?
anyway, they kept telling me i had beautiful teeth as if they expected a tip for cleaning my already clean & flossed teeth..&then she goes & randomly says, 'but you'll need braces.'
thats when i bit her hand pretty hard & said something i'm not sure any human being would understand..
after a while of making some weird sound & choking on that strong paste they use..i finally came out with 'what do i need braces for?!'
i know i have an overbite..but get this, in the long run my bottom teeth will slant IN my mouth toward the back of my throat changing the shape of my face some & i'll end up getting sores on the roof of my mouth. talk about a fuckin grill. i felt like pretending to pass out..throw up..or bite her hand again, but nothing dramatic could save me from the fact that i'll look like a British bitch in the future...i began to fantasize about my accent, trying to look on the hideous bright side.
because braces are just not an option for me, i wish i had just done it like when i was 12, not now. NO.
NO.
....god no. NO NO NO?! its just that simple. absolutely not. i'll just kill myself around 50..no problem.
i asked her if i was a candidate for invisalign, because the way she described the severity of the ugliness i'll have to face unless my teeth were strapped in their own little strait jacket, made it sound like we were talkin serious head gear. but she told me i was, i sighed a relief & took the knife off of her throat.
i sure hope insurance covers this shit, as much as i see & make fun of adults who wear braces..i'd just be a hypocrite.
what a day! :D
oh, the temporary happiness money brings
1.Sephora
2.The Body Shop
3.Forever 21
4.Countless Thrifts
[ i mean i went buck wild in these places, &spent under 100 dollars..im spazzin]
&i just dont think i could be more materialistically happier.
for the moment.
Mitchie's the shit, like drop drop
CHECK IT OUT
i'm at school, wanting to slap everybody with a pancake & dying to eat some fasst food.
yeah, i put the ass in fast food, that was never even there.
i'm excited for the rest of the day, whats gonna happen?! idk..all i know is, if i curl up in my bed & cry all day i won't be able to spend all my money thrifting my ass off.
there are no problems here. i know which one i'm doing.
god, does everyone have to dress like they just popped out of a scene from twilight? its so creepy to me, youre not vamps. why would you want to be? sick nasty fuckers. i dont trust anyone anymore.
im good pt.2
:'[:/:]:D
Well, my day started off with me watering the plants with my eyes ultimately ruining my eye makeup while grasping two different shoulders..praying so hard i thought i'd pass the fuck out.
it was certainly interesting. anyone who knows me...knows i do not buy into religion, i do not take part in holy wars, i do not pointlessly argue religion or politics, &i do not like to wear clothes unless im going out..so naturally it came to a surprise to me when i got emotionally, mentally, & physically involved in this tom foolery.
but i am not religious, i repeat..i am not religious..i am spiritual. there is something to be said about every religion, i feel there is truth in all of them[granted i don't know of ALL religions]. but the thing is everytime i find a religion i want to be commit to, i feel overwhelmed & i feel like an extremist..it upsets my organs & intestines & every part of me that is suppose to function normally..its horrid really..but it just feels like such an illusion i can hardly stand it.
i know one thing is true...i am FAR from an atheist. if i was an atheist, i wouldve killed myself a long time ago..because whats the point in anything? pleasure?
pleasure & happiness are two c o m p l e t e l y different things. [&thats not an exact quote but its from 'the picture of dorian gray'..one of the best books i've ever read. i love Oscar Wilde]
my point is, there is some extremely wonderful & powerful being lounging around triming the garden of our lives, pouring the espresso in our minds to keep our thoughts spinning, shoving batteries up our asses to keep us going, tickling us when someone falls down a flight of stairs & their face is priceless, &of course...painting a different sky for us to wake up to every morning.
you can look at everything from a scientific point of view, fine. there is truth in science..but i can't strip creation down to bare minerals, i won't.
still trying.
after pouting my way through work,
crying because tables were difficult,
being annoyed at the new guy,
smiling so fake i know i'll feel it in the morning,
&deepthroating countless pancakes..
i found some strange balance.
dont know how long it'll last, these things only seem to hold up until the next obstacle occurs...
i am really not over a lot of things that have happened to me over the years, fine.
all the guys that really put a dent in me, that really dont realize or care or can stomache the fact
that they have really hurt my feelings.
all the drug tests my parents have thrown at me at strange hours in the crack ass mornings..
&all the people that have really wronged me without an apology..
its not you, its me.
i never have really cared enough about myself to pull my cheek from the nazi grip my teeth had on them. i would get hurt, & just sit there dazed & confused...&so passively i'd wait for the oppurtune moment for me to slip into the bathroom & cry while whomever would have a great time blissly oblivious to my sorrow.
if this sounds pathetic, then i've got my point across.
i have since grown somewhat of a spastic backbone & it still sucks to be honest.
today, i told a girl that she embarassed me greatly & i did not appreciate it at all. she said, 'ugh nevermind it! its not my fault'
not the proper response i had expected to get, but i look at it this way: fuck her & the three-legged donkey she troddled in on. i dont have to deal with these chuckie the retards, really. at first, i began to fall into stupper, but i snapped out of it quickly. &told her very calmly that i didnt appreciate how insensitive she was to my feelings & that if i embarassed her i would apologize. she then told me she didnt care..in a little more words than that.
i took a deep breath & told her..as calmly as i possibly could:
i'm about to do 25 to life bitch.
what am i doing wrong? lol.
crying because tables were difficult,
being annoyed at the new guy,
smiling so fake i know i'll feel it in the morning,
&deepthroating countless pancakes..
i found some strange balance.
dont know how long it'll last, these things only seem to hold up until the next obstacle occurs...
i am really not over a lot of things that have happened to me over the years, fine.
all the guys that really put a dent in me, that really dont realize or care or can stomache the fact
that they have really hurt my feelings.
all the drug tests my parents have thrown at me at strange hours in the crack ass mornings..
&all the people that have really wronged me without an apology..
its not you, its me.
i never have really cared enough about myself to pull my cheek from the nazi grip my teeth had on them. i would get hurt, & just sit there dazed & confused...&so passively i'd wait for the oppurtune moment for me to slip into the bathroom & cry while whomever would have a great time blissly oblivious to my sorrow.
if this sounds pathetic, then i've got my point across.
i have since grown somewhat of a spastic backbone & it still sucks to be honest.
today, i told a girl that she embarassed me greatly & i did not appreciate it at all. she said, 'ugh nevermind it! its not my fault'
not the proper response i had expected to get, but i look at it this way: fuck her & the three-legged donkey she troddled in on. i dont have to deal with these chuckie the retards, really. at first, i began to fall into stupper, but i snapped out of it quickly. &told her very calmly that i didnt appreciate how insensitive she was to my feelings & that if i embarassed her i would apologize. she then told me she didnt care..in a little more words than that.
i took a deep breath & told her..as calmly as i possibly could:
i'm about to do 25 to life bitch.
what am i doing wrong? lol.
...
i keep letting people rent space in my head,
for free.
&its starting to get at me.
i'm going to trishia's house to hang out before work i guess.
she lives right by work..why not?
sigh, i feel defeated.
its 5:50, just got off work.
i hate working 3rd shift, because drunks dont leave shit.
i dont get it, who wants all you can eat pancakes when youre drunk? stoned..hell yeah, but drunk?
im not even drunk but the thought makes me not want to see a mixture of lunch & buttermilk pancakes liquefied..
this lady at work is really testing me. i dont settle things with violence usually, but i've gotten there before.
i'm a photography student, i told her this & she asked me to send here pictures, whatever. so i send her some,
she goes..nice angles. [&she probably meant composition..my angles were pretty standard.]
today, she tells me shes not impressed & wants to challenge me to a photo-off b/c she thinks shes better than me..she said her dissposable camera took better pictures. i tell her, i love her personality. she said she'll buy a professional 35 mm [she didnt even know what it was called..i had to tell her] & take better pictures than me.
i quickly explained to her, we can have this so-called duel, but true photography is more than snapping & zooming. i would never show her or anyone else too easily my art. i have never taken pictures to please her & i dont take them to please anyone unless they ask me to.
then she invites herself over to look at my photos.
i say, this is over, have a nice orgasm with your dog tonight.
i dont know why i let this bug me. maybe its because i work so fucking hard to compete in a world full of photographers...i've literally cried when i have to go through 5 rolls of film before i find a decent one..maybe because i work everyday to get better & stick my nose in books studying techniques & different angles.
i work too hard & fail constantly to have some 30 some odd waitress tell me my photo's suck & she can pick up some garage sale camera & take me on.
i KNOW my pictures are ordinary, i just started last spring. i KNOW there is so much room for improvement, but these are things i know & don't settle for. i have a strong feeling that with this art..i'm rarely going to be satisfied only motivated to move forward.
i'm being real immature about this, but i'd love to just punch her in the fucking eye & be done with it.
i should stop wearing my heart on my sleeve & start wearing it in my chest.
i'm not going to have that duel with her, i dont think thats the appropriate response to this.i shouldnt turn passion into competition.
over & out.
i hate working 3rd shift, because drunks dont leave shit.
i dont get it, who wants all you can eat pancakes when youre drunk? stoned..hell yeah, but drunk?
im not even drunk but the thought makes me not want to see a mixture of lunch & buttermilk pancakes liquefied..
this lady at work is really testing me. i dont settle things with violence usually, but i've gotten there before.
i'm a photography student, i told her this & she asked me to send here pictures, whatever. so i send her some,
she goes..nice angles. [&she probably meant composition..my angles were pretty standard.]
today, she tells me shes not impressed & wants to challenge me to a photo-off b/c she thinks shes better than me..she said her dissposable camera took better pictures. i tell her, i love her personality. she said she'll buy a professional 35 mm [she didnt even know what it was called..i had to tell her] & take better pictures than me.
i quickly explained to her, we can have this so-called duel, but true photography is more than snapping & zooming. i would never show her or anyone else too easily my art. i have never taken pictures to please her & i dont take them to please anyone unless they ask me to.
then she invites herself over to look at my photos.
i say, this is over, have a nice orgasm with your dog tonight.
i dont know why i let this bug me. maybe its because i work so fucking hard to compete in a world full of photographers...i've literally cried when i have to go through 5 rolls of film before i find a decent one..maybe because i work everyday to get better & stick my nose in books studying techniques & different angles.
i work too hard & fail constantly to have some 30 some odd waitress tell me my photo's suck & she can pick up some garage sale camera & take me on.
i KNOW my pictures are ordinary, i just started last spring. i KNOW there is so much room for improvement, but these are things i know & don't settle for. i have a strong feeling that with this art..i'm rarely going to be satisfied only motivated to move forward.
i'm being real immature about this, but i'd love to just punch her in the fucking eye & be done with it.
i should stop wearing my heart on my sleeve & start wearing it in my chest.
i'm not going to have that duel with her, i dont think thats the appropriate response to this.i shouldnt turn passion into competition.
over & out.
could you puh-leaze
turn turn turn to honey
i love my communications class, my teacher who lives in my neighborhood is very wonderful.
&i can't wait to do some volunteer work w/my sociology class.
although my photography teacher is a little stand-offish...cant take the ass out of passion for me. so.
ALSO! my commuter class is lame.
this is the most beautiful day of 2010.
i'm looking foward to seeing in 2010 vision this year, i wont let the evils of lifes past, present, or future surpress me any longer. or i'll try. trying was my resolution...&it branches out into a lot of things.
i'm gonna go watch the office & eat cereal. even though i should be eatting something w/more fat & protien so my doctor can stop giving me weird looks that say 'JUST ADMIT YOUR ANOREXIC'
she can bite my big toe, i'm too greedy to starve myself. ha
i have no gas, but i'm gonna make a point to go out & take pictures today before the sun goes down. ill be pissed if i dont go out & it pours for the rest of the year.
i love my communications class, my teacher who lives in my neighborhood is very wonderful.
&i can't wait to do some volunteer work w/my sociology class.
although my photography teacher is a little stand-offish...cant take the ass out of passion for me. so.
ALSO! my commuter class is lame.
this is the most beautiful day of 2010.
i'm looking foward to seeing in 2010 vision this year, i wont let the evils of lifes past, present, or future surpress me any longer. or i'll try. trying was my resolution...&it branches out into a lot of things.
i'm gonna go watch the office & eat cereal. even though i should be eatting something w/more fat & protien so my doctor can stop giving me weird looks that say 'JUST ADMIT YOUR ANOREXIC'
she can bite my big toe, i'm too greedy to starve myself. ha
i have no gas, but i'm gonna make a point to go out & take pictures today before the sun goes down. ill be pissed if i dont go out & it pours for the rest of the year.
im good
i'm not sure where to begin, so i'll start with the end ..
i ended up having a wonderful day..i took the most adorable picture of Savannah, Trishia's little girl. she is so special & when i was leaving today, she said 'bye Aunt Val, i love you'
&i couldve cried, instead i melted & asked her to say it again.
maybe i sound like a creepazoid, but i cant wait to take more pictures of her..not that trish doesnt have enough pictures around her house of her & daniel & the kids. but i want to always remember savannah & tony at their age, ya know what i mean vern?
tomorrow...another adventure..dont even know how i'll find the gas money to get to my classes. i'll have to humble myself enough to ask for money. at least i'm getting better tips now. i told lee on tuesday that its weird, once i started to actually like being a waitress i got better tips.
odd huh? haha
i fought the war, but the war won
my dog is real sick, im almost sure he's going.
&i drove 45 minutes to class only to find my teachers dog was in labor..
im going out to take pictures & go to the gem w/trishia & her keedz.
somehow, i cant seem to be angry or sad or upset, its surreal really.
i got my pack of reds & my camera...being a waitress in a bad economy sucks, so i have no more money for gas...wasted it all today. but it's a beautiful day, Mitchie's mom gave me a coat...i'll walk. :]
so what?
enemy, show me what you want from me..i can handle anything
even if i can't handle you
all the freaky people make the beauty of the world
why do i always end up being the one that feels like a freak?
will there come a day where i'll stand back gawking at the person who has just out freaked me?
little by little i feel myself slipping back into a depressive state, i dont want to get back to that solemn ground of which i left so abruptly. reality creeps me out, i'd rather live in my infacuation filled realm, where everybody is just how i wish they'd be..where even i am how i wish i'd be.
a world where Marco is still alive, &we're still walking around the neighborhood almost every night making wishes & dreaming dreams so big our hearts silently explode & spray onto the lives of the sad ones we love.
God, a world where people care about me & the details of my life. where someone cares enough to try to save me when i know i cant do this alone anymore. it hurts to live, to see what i see everyday, &think so hard that when i squeeze my eyes closed to forget, i'm trapped in lucid memories.
&even though i think i wont use again, i dont see the point in not using. &i've been praying, actually praying to God that he could help me, shed some of his divine wisdom upon me..but all i hear is crickets in the night.
will there come a day where i'll stand back gawking at the person who has just out freaked me?
little by little i feel myself slipping back into a depressive state, i dont want to get back to that solemn ground of which i left so abruptly. reality creeps me out, i'd rather live in my infacuation filled realm, where everybody is just how i wish they'd be..where even i am how i wish i'd be.
a world where Marco is still alive, &we're still walking around the neighborhood almost every night making wishes & dreaming dreams so big our hearts silently explode & spray onto the lives of the sad ones we love.
God, a world where people care about me & the details of my life. where someone cares enough to try to save me when i know i cant do this alone anymore. it hurts to live, to see what i see everyday, &think so hard that when i squeeze my eyes closed to forget, i'm trapped in lucid memories.
&even though i think i wont use again, i dont see the point in not using. &i've been praying, actually praying to God that he could help me, shed some of his divine wisdom upon me..but all i hear is crickets in the night.
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