sigh, i feel defeated.

its 5:50, just got off work.

i hate working 3rd shift, because drunks dont leave shit.
i dont get it, who wants all you can eat pancakes when youre drunk? stoned..hell yeah, but drunk?
im not even drunk but the thought makes me not want to see a mixture of lunch & buttermilk pancakes liquefied..

this lady at work is really testing me. i dont settle things with violence usually, but i've gotten there before.
i'm a photography student, i told her this & she asked me to send here pictures, whatever. so i send her some,
she goes..nice angles. [&she probably meant composition..my angles were pretty standard.]
today, she tells me shes not impressed & wants to challenge me to a photo-off b/c she thinks shes better than me..she said her dissposable camera took better pictures. i tell her, i love her personality. she said she'll buy a professional 35 mm [she didnt even know what it was called..i had to tell her] & take better pictures than me.
i quickly explained to her, we can have this so-called duel, but true photography is more than snapping & zooming. i would never show her or anyone else too easily my art. i have never taken pictures to please her & i dont take them to please anyone unless they ask me to.
then she invites herself over to look at my photos.
i say, this is over, have a nice orgasm with your dog tonight.

i dont know why i let this bug me. maybe its because i work so fucking hard to compete in a world full of photographers...i've literally cried when i have to go through 5 rolls of film before i find a decent one..maybe because i work everyday to get better & stick my nose in books studying techniques & different angles.
i work too hard & fail constantly to have some 30 some odd waitress tell me my photo's suck & she can pick up some garage sale camera & take me on.

i KNOW my pictures are ordinary, i just started last spring. i KNOW there is so much room for improvement, but these are things i know & don't settle for. i have a strong feeling that with this art..i'm rarely going to be satisfied only motivated to move forward.

i'm being real immature about this, but i'd love to just punch her in the fucking eye & be done with it.

i should stop wearing my heart on my sleeve & start wearing it in my chest.

i'm not going to have that duel with her, i dont think thats the appropriate response to this.i shouldnt turn passion into competition.
over & out.