still trying.

after pouting my way through work, 
crying because tables were difficult,
being annoyed at the new guy,
smiling so fake i know i'll feel it in the morning,
&deepthroating countless pancakes..


i found some strange balance.
dont know how long it'll last, these things only seem to hold up until the next obstacle occurs...
i am really not over a lot of things that have happened to me over the years, fine.
all the guys that really put a dent in me, that really dont realize or care or can stomache the fact
that they have really hurt my feelings. 
all the drug tests my parents have thrown at me at strange hours in the crack ass mornings..
&all the people that have really wronged me without an apology..
its not you, its me.


i never have really cared enough about myself to pull my cheek from the nazi grip my teeth had on them. i would get hurt, & just sit there dazed & confused...&so passively i'd wait for the oppurtune moment for me to slip into the bathroom & cry while whomever would have a great time blissly oblivious to my sorrow.
if this sounds pathetic, then i've got my point across.


i have since grown somewhat of a spastic backbone & it still sucks to be honest. 
today, i told a girl that she embarassed me greatly & i did not appreciate it at all. she said, 'ugh nevermind it! its not my fault'


not the proper response i had expected to get, but i look at it this way: fuck her & the three-legged donkey she troddled in on.  i dont have to deal with these chuckie the retards, really. at first, i began to fall into stupper, but i snapped out of it quickly. &told her very calmly that i didnt appreciate how insensitive she was to my feelings & that if i embarassed her i would apologize. she then told me she didnt care..in a little more words than that.
i took a deep breath & told her..as calmly as i possibly could:


i'm about to do 25 to life bitch.


what am i doing wrong? lol.